Many autistic people talk about bullying, being bullied, ridiculed, criticized etc. I am lucky, I was never physically bullied, just ignored, laughed at and excluded. And it taught me to become a bully too. With myself as the only victim. I mostly have two voices in my head – the voice of reason and logic, and the voice of ridicule that always talks just a bit louder.
“You are just pathetic.”
“You will never be able to…”
“Why try, it is useless.”
“You never manage to finish anything.”
“You are just a fake.”
The voice of reason fights back, but sometimes the logic feeds the other voice.
“Keep on trying! You are brave to try, even if you always fail.”
I will always be awkward with people, find so many ordinary things extremely hard to do, fail to cope with simple stuff, become overwhelmed. Sometimes the voice of reason stays silent in sadness, while the other voice settles down in silent derision.